


Cerulean Blue

by innerslytherin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:31:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2682722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerslytherin/pseuds/innerslytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily’s health and pregnancy are threatened, but Remus knows someone who can help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cerulean Blue

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by [a double-drabble](http://innerslytherin.livejournal.com/584785.html#cutid3) I wrote for a month ago, and written in honor of her birthday yesterday. (And posted originally at .)

“The thing is,” Lily said, pushing her Brussels sprouts around on the plate and looking vaguely nauseous, “there are some…complications.”

Remus looked at her in alarm, his mediocre colcannon forgotten. “Complications? What, with the baby?”

She nodded and turned to look out the window of the café, her lips pressed thin. Remus was learning a lot more than he’d expected to about pregnant women, particularly considering he never anticipated having a pregnant woman of his own. But he was the only one of them not gainfully employed, so he’d become, by default, Lily’s confidant and companion. It wasn’t that he minded, particularly; he’d never thought he would see her order Brussels sprouts and chocolate ice cream in the same meal, for instance. Then again, he’d also never thought he would see Lily Potter in tears, and that was happening with alarming frequency.

“Lily?” he said gently, placing a hand on her arm. “What is it?”

She shook her head and sniffed violently, then said, “You remember four months ago, when I had dragonpox?” She didn’t wait for him to nod before saying, “The Healers say there can be—problems.” She jerked her hand away from his and scrubbed at her cheek; Lily had never been an emotional girl, and Remus knew she hated being so vulnerable (“weakness”, she called it) even if she knew he wouldn’t mock her for it.

“Because of the illness? Wait, you were already pregnant then,” he realized.

She nodded. “Because of the dragonpox, and because of the treatment; the illness can cause birth defects, and the treatment…oh, I don’t remember, Remus. I was so upset about the first part that I think I quit listening.”

His mind was reeling. Nevermind that this was the possible Child of the Prophecy they were discussing—this was Lily and James’ child! This was the little girl they’d planned to name Juliet, or the little boy who would be called James Junior. This was the child Remus would watch grow into adulthood, would help teach to walk and talk, would hopefully someday watch marry and have a family.

“There…isn’t there anything they can do? I mean, we’re wizards, for God’s sake. They ought to be able to fix it!”

Lily gave him a wry look. “Can they fix your ‘furry little problem’?” Her voice was unusually bitter, and he flinched, though he knew she hadn’t meant it personally.

“No,” he whispered.

Lily placed her folded napkin over her plate. “I’m not hungry anymore,” she said. “Let’s go.”

Remus stood and followed her out of the restaurant, wondering if she wanted to go home, or if they were still shopping for the baby this afternoon. “Have you spoken with James?”

She stopped walking and he ran into her, his hands clutching at her shoulders to cushion the blow. “How can I tell him I’ve hurt his baby?” she asked, her voice suddenly thick with tears.

“Oh, no,” he murmured, guiding her into the alley a few steps from where they stood. “No, Lily.” He turned her and pulled her into his arms. “It isn’t your fault,” he said. “James would know that. It’s no one’s fault.”

She hit him weakly with an open hand. “It is!” she cried. “It had to be someone’s fault! It’s so unfair!”

He wondered if that would mean that Frank and Alice would bear the Chosen One, after all. “Shh,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair (would the baby have red hair?) “Lil, it isn’t your fault,” he insisted. “You’ve been so bloody careful, you’re the perfect little mum—“

Her sharp laughter interrupted him. “Perfect murderer!” she managed.

“Now stop,” he said sternly, pushing her away enough to frown at her. “Lily Anne Evans Potter, you have not killed your baby; you are going to have a perfectly lovely little James Junior or Juliet. And you are _not_ to go on feeling guilty like this.”

She stared at him, transfixed by his authority. He knew she liked it when he talked that way—mostly, though, because it drove Sirius mad when it was aimed at him, and she still didn’t wholly approve of Sirius. She usually resented it when it was used against her.

“You should have been Head Boy,” she said now, revenging herself by using his shirt collar to wipe her eyes.

“Mascara,” Remus sighed, because they both knew he should have been Head Boy and it made no sense to discuss it now. He, at least, suspected he’d lost it partly over the OWLs incident. “Come on,” he said, taking her hand and tugging her back out to the pavement. “We only have two months to finish all this shopping.”

* * *

Remus spent the next few days researching dragonpox and pregnancy and birth defects, even going to a Muggle library since Lily was Muggleborn and he could never walk away from his own Muggle roots. He rang his mum, who couldn’t help with magical aspect but did promise to pop round and see Lily. And he did the most difficult thing, which was to keep the secret from his best friends.

His weakest moment came as the four of them were drinking in their usual corner at the Flying Irishman, a corner pub at Diagon Alley. James was lamenting his wife’s mood swings while Sirius alternated between ogling a bird at the bar and wondering aloud what was taking Peter so long in the loo.

“You’d better go find out if you’re so bloody concerned,” James finally snapped, earning hard looks from both of them and making Remus’ resolve waver.

The silence stretched for a few minutes as James drank deeply from his Dwarven ale and tried to ignore his friends. Remus and Sirius exchanged a long look, and Remus wondered what he could say that would reassure James without lying, or even hint to James without giving away Lily’s secret.

“Sorry, mate,” James said finally, rubbing a hand over his face. “Look, tell Pete I said goodnight. I’m heading home.” He slapped a friendly hand on Remus’ shoulder, nodded at Sirius, and Apparated.

“Blast,” Sirius said after a silence. “Bloody wanker left us with the bill.” And then he grinned as the girl at the bar beckoned him over, and Remus was left alone to wonder why Peter had never returned from the loo.

* * *

The following evening there was an Order meeting, and the unexpected events there effectively took Remus’ mind from Lily’s dilemma.

“I have been telling you,” Dumbledore said, peering at each of them in turn, “that we have a spy in Voldemort’s ranks. Until now, it has been necessary for me to keep his identity a secret.”

_His_ , Remus thought, his breath quickening slightly. He had suspicions, nothing solid, but from a few hints Dumbledore had dropped, from something Minerva had once said…he hoped (oh he hoped).

“At this juncture, however, I am forced to admit that his safety may be better ensured by your knowing his identity. Not the entire Order, of course,” the headmaster added, his expression graver than Remus had ever seen it. “That would be a hazard indeed. But those of us here are the most trusted. I cannot imagine that any of you would betray us or our spy.” He looked around at them again, his gaze particularly piercing when it came to Sirius. (Remus’ heart gave a joyful leap in his chest and he tried sternly to make it calm, with dubious results.)

“You know we wouldn’t, Albus,” Lily said, her hand resting lightly on the curve of her belly. She was so beautiful, Remus thought, beautiful despite the dark circles under her eyes and the lines beside her mouth. Too young for these cares, but so strong, so determined. He was glad she’d given in and married James.

“My dear one.” Dumbledore’s eyes always softened when he looked at Lily. It had been so even before the Prophecy, though now Remus fancied he saw sorrow there as well as love. “You of all people know that I trust you. But I must impress upon you all the very urgent need for secrecy. You may not tell your friends, your lovers, your spouses, what I am about to divulge to you. Not only the life of our spy, but also our success in this war, is contingent upon your fidelity. It is much to ask.” His gaze flickered again to Sirius and Remus wanted to shout that he already knew.

Remus glanced at them all, as Dumbledore had. Minerva looked calm; he suspected she already knew. Gideon and Fabian were impassive, but they’d always been good at impassive. James and Sirius both looked curious. Peter looked strangely avid. Moody, too, looked as if he already knew. Lily merely waited. Last of all, Remus’ eyes met Dumbledore’s, and he saw the compassion and understanding in the headmaster’s eyes, and blushed.

Dumbledore nodded. “Many of you,” he said, flicking his wand at the empty chair against the wall, which rippled and revealed a dark-haired young man sitting in it, “will remember Severus Snape.”

The room dissolved into exclamations, shouts, snarls, and the spark of drawn wands. Remus could do nothing but sit, staring at Severus, who (so different to the boy he’d known) stared silently at the floor. The Prewetts asked if this were really wise. Minerva assured them it was necessary. James and Sirius proclaimed Severus’ fascination with the Dark Arts, insisting it meant he couldn’t be trusted. Minerva began to speak—

“I’m a Dark creature,” Remus said quietly. His words cut through the clamour, bringing everyone to silence. He hunched his shoulders, feeling his friends glaring at him. Severus’ piercing gaze was suddenly on him, the long lashes startling against his sallow skin. Remus just held his gaze.

“Precisely,” McGonagall said after a few moments. “And we all trust Remus. This is no different.”

“No different!” Sirius began. “Pull up his sleeve, McGonagall! I’ll wager you’ll find a—“

“Yes!” Snape hissed suddenly, shooting up from the chair and ripping his sleeve open to shove it back. His black eyes flashed sparks that should not have made Remus burn the way they did. “The Dark Mark. There, Black. Twin to the one your brother wore until the Dark Lord killed him!”

Sirius was on his feet then, wand out. Remus stood up to find that Snape already had his wand out. When had that happened? Remus put a hand on Sirius’ arm and leaned close.

“Listen, Padfoot, we _need_ him. If Dumbledore says he’s a spy, it means Dumbledore’s checked him. He wouldn’t have someone who isn’t trustworthy.” It wasn’t true, and Remus knew it. Severus had been their first spy (the reports had begun less than a fortnight after Regulus was found dead, Remus thought, and remembered how Severus and Regulus had always been friends at school.) But they did need a spy, and there was no doubt the spy had already saved some of their lives.

His words, whispered in Sirius’ ear to catch his attention, were what was needed, apparently. Sirius subsided into growls and inaudible mutterings.

Remus looked away and found Severus’ hard black eyes fixed on him.

* * *

“Why?”

It was a quiet word, hissed at him from behind. Remus turned, his heart already beating fast in recognition. “Why what, Snape?” he asked calmly.

Black eyes were calculating as they studied him. Severus carried himself confidently now, his black hair tied back, his Dark Mark hidden by long sleeves despite the early summer heat. “Why did you stop him?”

Remus didn’t bother pretending not to understand. “What good would it do to have the two of you at each other’s throats? We need you, and I’m glad to have you on our side.” He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and held Severus’ gaze.

“Why?” Snape repeated. “Why do you care?”

Remus looked down then. “I always cared,” he said softly. “I just never had the courage to do anything about it before.”

Severus snorted. “At least you admit it.”

Surprised, Remus looked back up. Snape had sounded almost…amused. “Is it safe for you to be talking to me?” he asked.

“That’s an interesting question. Safe? Entirely. Wise? Certainly not.” Yes, Snape _was_ amused. Remus stared at him.

“Why?” he asked impulsively, not quite sure what he meant.

“Why did I follow you halfway across the village to waylay you in the bookshop, you mean?” Severus said, his black eyes glimmering now. Remus felt suddenly as if he were in danger, though he trusted Severus not to turn him over to the Death Eaters. What it was he feared, he couldn’t say.

He licked his lips. “Yes, that.”

Severus smiled. It was a smug smile, a confident smile, an utterly sexy smile. “Because I want to know why your eyes lit up when Dumbledore started talking about a spy. I want to know why you looked like you knew something before he took off the Disillusionment Spell.” He moved closer, invading Remus’ personal space, lowering his voice. “I want to know why you didn’t look surprised to see me.”

“Because I wanted it to be you,” Remus blurted, then wondered if Snape had dosed his tea with Veritaserum. Surely he wouldn’t have admitted that otherwise. But Severus looked pleased.

“You’ve thought about me,” Severus whispered.

“Yes,” Remus answered.

Snape’s thin lips quirked. “I’ve thought about you.”

That surprised Remus, until he realized there was no qualifier attached as to _what_ Snape had thought. “Wishing you’d hexed me when you had the chance?” Remus asked dryly.

Severus actually laughed, and the sound ran warm through Remus’ gut. “I suppose you could say that,” he admitted. Then he looked away, taking in the bookshop and its lack of clientele. “Regulus talked about you. Right up to the end. He always fancied you. I suppose you didn’t know that.”

Remus felt a shiver go through him. “No,” he managed. After a moment he said, “I miss him.”

Severus looked sideways at him. “I thought you would,” he agreed. “Come down to the Hog’s Head with me. We’ll have dinner.”

“It isn’t the best place,” Remus said. “Aberforth has eyes like a hawk.”

“Do you care?” Severus asked, his own voice insouciant. Remus wondered again at the changes in Severus. He seemed…more self-possessed, more aware of who he was. Certainly not afraid or wary of Sirius and James. And he wanted to have dinner with Remus.

“No,” he found himself saying, despite the fact that as soon as they walked in, Aberforth’s Patronus would be on its way up to the castle to tell Albus, and although Albus might understand Remus’ feelings, he certainly wouldn’t approve of this. But it was true. Remus didn’t care what Aberforth or Albus or Sirius or James thought. He cared what _Severus_ thought.

He put the book regretfully on the shelf; he’d been unable to find a job for two months, now, and if it weren’t for the small salary Albus gave him for his Order work, he wouldn’t be able to buy food. Books were right out. He gave the shopkeeper an apologetic smile, then preceded Severus out, trying to shake the dirty look the woman had given back.

“There are werewolves among the Dark Lord’s army,” Severus said softly. He’d seen the silent exchange, then.

Remus turned on him. “If that’s why you’re here—“ he began, but he couldn’t even finish it. He knew it wasn’t.

Snape was laughing. Remus glared, but Severus just shook his head. “Merlin, you’re touchy,” he observed.

“They wonder about me,” Remus said softly. “Sirius does, anyway. I don’t think James does.”

“And Evans?”

Remus sighed and shook his head. “Lily trusts me. Then again, that’s probably part of why Sirius _doesn’t_. He remembers how Lily and I went to the Valentine’s Ball together, and now I’m spending more time with her than James is, practically…”

They reached the Hog’s Head and Severus led the way in, meeting Aberforth’s gaze boldly. Remus felt a frisson of attraction go through him, and knew he was in over his head. Somehow he didn’t care. He followed Severus to a table and allowed the spy to take the seat against the wall. A moment later two drinks came floating across the room to settle on the table. Aberforth knew, of course, their drink preferences.

“Regulus thought you never noticed him, because of his brother.” Severus’ lips twisted. He took a sip of his drink, which looked and smelled like Old Troll. “He could have been right, I suppose. Despite the fact that your _mate_ \--“ (and the word was twisted with distaste) “—is no queerer than McGonagall.”

“How do you know she isn’t?” Remus asked, because thinking about Regulus hurt. Sirius had dismissed him so easily, had seemed to mourn him for less time than Remus did.

“Please,” Severus said. “It would be too improper.”

Remus laughed, thinking of her tartan nightdress, which he’d seen once after a distraught fifth-year set off dungbombs to get a bit more time in for revising before his Astronomy OWL.

“Regulus didn’t know you’re a werewolf.”

“Of course not,” Remus agreed, taking a drink of his Firewhiskey. “Sirius never told anyone but you.”

”He didn’t tell me,” Severus objected. “I knew what you were before I walked into that tunnel.” His gaze turned calculating. “I wanted to see. I even thought about letting you bite me.”

Remus stared at him. “You could have hexed me. Could have killed me.”

Severus snorted. “I didn’t want you _dead_ , Lupin.” He fixed him with an appraising gaze. “I just _wanted_ you.”

Remus spilled his drink.

It probably shouldn’t have been such a shock. After all, Severus’ behaviour had been blatantly seductive the whole time they’d been talking. Even back in the bookshop, he’d invaded Remus’ personal space and spoken in low, inviting tones. That didn’t stop Remus from slopping his Firewhiskey across the table as he set his glass down too hard.

Snape looked amused, blinking slowly at him, his lips curling up. Merlin, Remus wanted to kiss him, kiss that smugness away, drive all superior thoughts from Snape’s mind. And then an unwelcome thought crossed his mind.

“If you’re just interested in fucking a Dark creature, you can piss right off,” he snapped. “Quit acting like you’re so sodding superior.”

Snape’s eyes widened slightly, and he actually did look surprised. “I expected you to see this coming, Remus,” he said, his voice curling around Remus’ name. Merlin, it made his cock twitch to hear Severus speak his name like that.

“This isn’t a good idea,” Remus whispered, his voice ragged.

“I already said that,” Severus agreed in a low voice. “Back at the bookshop. Not at all wise. But I’ve wanted you for years now, and I think it’s obvious you want me, and we’re both fools if we let that pass us by.”

It made perfect sense, when he put it that way. Remus stared at him. “You’re mad.”

“I’m a Death Eater, Lupin; of course I’m mad. Think about it. If you’re interested, meet me at the Golden Lion in Halifax. Ten o’clock.” Snape drained his drink and rose.

Remus snickered. “The Golden Lion? Couldn’t find something a little more Slytherin?”

Severus stopped, his eyes glittering as he looked down at Remus. “I chose the location for your comfort, Lupin. If you want Slytherins, I’ll find a place rife with Death Eaters.”

Remus stared at him for a moment. “They’re not all Death Eaters,” he managed finally.

“Tell that to Black,” Severus said, his voice heavy with irony.

Remus sighed. “The Golden Lion. I’ll…” It was stupid to say he’d be there. But there was no bloody way he was going to pass up this chance to get what he’d wanted for years.

Severus’ smile was crooked, but Remus almost thought there was understanding there. “I’ll see you at ten.”

* * *

Remus had never had any suspicion that Severus was from Yorkshire—though if he’d been asked, he had no idea what he would have said. He arrived at the Golden Lion a good ten minutes early, but instead of going inside, he leaned against the pub wall and lit a cigarette. He was just finishing it when a hand slid into his back pocket and Snape’s voice trickled into his ear.

“You look good when you try, Lupin.”

“Thanks so much, Snape,” Remus replied, turning to look at Severus. His eyes widened. The other man was dressed in a black shirt and tight black trousers—he’d swear they were Muggle jeans. He’d let his hair swing down around his face, and it gleamed in the moonlight, longer than Remus had ever seen it.

Severus smiled slowly at him. “Come on, then, Lupin. I already know you haven’t two Sickles to rub together. Why don’t you come see my luxurious abode.”

The house at Spinner’s End wasn’t luxurious, but it looked well-used. There were books all over the sitting room, several of them scattered on the floor, and one chair stacked full. Severus took a firm grip on Remus’ hand and led him up the stairs, ignoring the rest of the house in favour of getting him in the bedroom. It was a small room, furnished only with bed, nightstand, and a battered chest of drawers. Remus took it all in at a glance before Severus pushed him against the wall and began what was nothing less than an assault on Remus’ defences.

His mouth bit and sucked at Remus’ throat, nimble fingers worked their way into Remus’ shirt, one thigh pressed between Remus’ legs, and Remus could do nothing but gasp and clutch at Severus’ shoulders. He arched against Severus, making needy whimpers of pleasure, wanting to somehow be more active in this seduction. But Severus had the upper hand here, there was no question of that. He unfastened Remus’ trousers easily and in the next instant slid his hands inside to stroke Remus’ cock, his movements firm and assured.

Remus groaned, trembling in Severus’ grip. “God, Snape!” he managed, reaching for him, wanting to do something, _anything_ , to make Severus feel the way he did. But Severus leaned away until Remus dropped his hands to clutch at the doorknob and the doorframe, trying to keep upright as pleasure built within him. Severus returned then to use teeth and lips and tongue on Remus’ neck, making Remus gasp and moan. He nipped his way to Remus’ ear and muttered dirty things, his fingers moving faster. In a matter of minutes Remus was bucking into Severus’ hand and closing his eyes as he came.

Once he’d stopped shuddering with pleasure, Severus pushed him over to the bed, where Remus flopped bonelessly on his back. Severus smiled and finished undressing Remus, then himself. He climbed on top of Remus and bent down to whisper in his ear. “I’ve been dying to fuck you, Lupin. But apparently you’ve been dying for me to fuck you.” He bit Remus’ ear hard, then whispered spells that had Remus gasping and arching up from the strange feeling of cold inside him.

“Wait,” Remus gasped. “Protection—“

Severus’ lips twisted. “Don’t tell me you’ve only done this with Muggles.” He didn’t need to wait for Remus to confirm it. “We don’t need condoms, you twat. We’re Wizards. There are spells for everything.”

Remus relaxed back against the mattress, watching Severus hungrily. “God, Snape, get on with it, then!” he managed, feeling wanton and shameless, but aching for Severus to be inside him.

Severus smiled. “So impatient, Lupin,” he chided. “And so trusting.”

Remus reached for him, pulling him down for a searing kiss. “I can’t help trusting you,” he whispered. “Shut up and fuck me.”

He was satisfied to see that he’d surprised Severus. He didn’t know which part had, but it didn’t matter. Severus shifted and positioned himself, his gaze on Remus’. After a long, still moment that nearly had Remus writhing, Severus began slowly to push inside. His face attained an expression of complete concentration, and Remus found himself fascinated. He reached up, tracing Severus’ cheek, fingertips trailing over the thin lips that were so quick to wound. Snape paused, letting Remus adjust to the feeling of complete fullness.

And then he began to move.

“Merlin!” Remus gasped, gripping Severus’ hip with his left hand. It was exquisitely painful at first, burning and stretching and making Remus swear. Then Severus leaned down and kissed him again, and the pain faded as their tongues tangled, as they tried to devour each other. And then Severus slid an arm under his hips and lifted them closer, and his next thrust sent lightning shooting through Remus’ body. Remus let out a shout, his muscles tightening reflexively around Severus, making the other man groan.

“God, Lupin, you’re gorgeous,” Severus said then, and Remus didn’t feel like arguing.

It didn’t last long, which made Remus wonder how long it had been since Severus did this. Had it been since Regulus died? Or had Severus and Regulus never slept together? Remus watched Severus as he came, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, his lower lip firmly between his teeth. A quiet hiss was the only outward clue of his pleasure, but Remus felt himself filled suddenly with a flood of heat, and he seized Severus and kissed him again, and Severus didn’t pull away.

Instead, he slipped easily out of Remus and then collapsed next to him on the old lopsided mattress, and when Remus wrapped an arm around his neck despite the sticky heat, Severus turned his face towards him and kissed his naked shoulder.

* * *

Remus woke shortly before dawn and realized that he’d stayed out all night. He’d never done that before, and he knew there would be questions from Sirius. He lay there quietly panicking as he listened to Snape’s regular breathing beside him. Snape still had an arm draped over his stomach, his face pressed against Remus’ neck. Remus realized that he _liked_ having the skinny frame pressed against his own. He also realized he was hard again.

It wouldn’t be fair to wake Severus up just to get his end away. But he had to go home. Didn’t he? Then again, Sirius might’ve spent the night with some bird, in which case he wouldn’t even notice Remus hadn’t been in the flat all night. Worse to be caught coming home like this.

Remus closed his eyes and slid his hand down to curl around his cock. He’d barely begun stroking it before his hand was covered with another, and he opened his eyes to find Severus’ gaze fixed on his.

“Are you thinking about me?” Severus whispered.

Remus nodded.

“You want to fuck me?”

“God, yes.”

Severus smirked and rolled to his knees, then straddled him. “I knew I was right about you, Lupin,” he said in satisfaction. He blinked and Remus’ erection was covered in a slick substance. Taking Remus’ hand, Severus guided it to his entrance. Thus encouraged, Remus pressed a finger inside until he could tell Severus’ lubrication spells were wordless as well as wandless. He positioned his cock, then gripped Severus’ hip with one hand to urge him down.

Severus sank onto him easily, curling his fingers around Remus’ shoulders and using the werewolf to steady himself. “You want to be in control, don’t you?” Severus whispered, pushing himself up and then dropping back down along Remus’ cock. “You want to be the one calling the shots. You want to be the one fucking me.” He kept moving, his pace picking up. “But I’ll tell you right now, Lupin, that _I’m_ the one in control here. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

Remus shook his head, his mouth open as he panted. He thrust as best he could from this position, but Severus _was_ in control. It was several minutes before Severus began moving in a fast, set rhythm. Finally, when Severus reached down to touch his own cock, fisting rapidly, Remus let out a groan and bucked up against him. That drove well into Severus, who let out a noise of pleasure and threw his head back.

Merlin, he looked magnificent like this, riding him hard, in the throes of ecstasy. Remus’ breath shuddered in and out of him. “Severus!” he gasped, and Severus squeezed and came with a shout. Remus moved, then, flipping them so that Severus was on his back and Remus could drive into him hard, covering Severus’ mouth with his own. He came with a soft cry, convinced he had found happiness.

They slept well past sun-up.

* * *

The second time, Remus sought him out.

He hadn’t seen Severus for a week, but lunch with Lily had reminded him of the complications she was facing in her pregnancy. She still hadn’t told James, and Remus had spent two evenings trying to convince his friend that pregnant birds were just abnormally emotional all the time. The second miserable evening, wherein Remus had James alone because Sirius was dating a new bird and Peter was…well, where the hell _was_ Peter, anyway? Working, Remus supposed…that second evening prompted Remus to pull out the last few journal articles he’d copied from _Healing Monthly_ and _Potions Quarterly_. He finally caught the Snitch in his penultimate article.

_…this potion has also been effective in the treatment of problem pregnancies, though under certain conditions it may also be an abortifacient. Great care must be taken in the brewing, which must be done under the new moon. The potion **must** be a perfect cerulean blue; if the desired hue is not achieved, the potion should be disposed of by magical means._

Perfect. He had the spell. Now he just needed the proper person to brew it. Remus was pants at Potions, and hadn’t continued on past his OWL. There’d been no point; the Aurory didn’t take werewolves, and he had no desire to be a Healer, considering what the scent of blood did to him. Lily wasn’t brewing because of her pregnancy, and if the potion could cause abortion, she wouldn’t want to be near it anyway. That left one person whose skill, discretion, and honour, Remus actually trusted.

He went to Spinner’s End.

* * *

“What the devil are you doing here?” Severus asked, staring at him. It was strange to see him wearing an apron and dragonhide gloves, like they were students again. Remus watched Severus draw his gloves off, remembering what those hands were capable of, and swallowed hard. “I needed to see you,” he said.

Severus’ expression didn’t waver, but something about the set of his body suddenly conveyed disbelief and anger. “I don’t have time for this—“ he began, but Remus shook his head and shoved his way in the door.

“Not that, you berk. I—it’s something important for everyone, not…not personal.” He didn’t know quite how to say it; he wasn’t sure who might be around to hear him talking about the war as if they were on the same side, but he also didn’t want to act as if what had happened between them wasn’t important.

Severus frowned, but backed away from the door. “Come in, then. And try not to drop anything in my cauldron.” He waited until Remus had shut the door behind him, then drew out his wand and made a series of complicated motions that conveyed little to Remus. “I’m brewing something for Dumbledore, and I don’t have much time before I have to go back to my compatriots.”

“Your compatriots?” Remus repeated blankly.

Severus shot him a hard look. “The Death Eaters, Lupin. I am one, you know.”

Remus frowned. “You’re not like them.”

Severus stopped walking. “I’m exactly like them,” he said quietly. “And if you think I’m not, you’d better walk out that door and never come back.”

Remus shook his head. “But you don’t believe in him.” Him. You-Know-Who. Voldemort.

“I don’t believe in anything,” Severus said, his gaze bleak. “I just don’t want him to win.”

“Did you ever—with Regulus?” Remus asked. His voice broke.

Severus turned away. “You said this wasn’t about fucking.”

Fucking. Was that all they’d done? Remus sighed. “It isn’t. I need your opinion on a potion. And…and your discretion.”

Severus snorted. “Well, I’m the soul of discretion, Lupin. I think you know that, at least.”

“It’s for pregnancy.”

Severus turned to stare at him again. “If you think you’re going to have children, you can write that idea off now. Better than half the werewolves in the world are sterile, and you’re not exactly equipped for pregnancy.”

“Not that sort of potion, idiot!” Remus snapped, then sighed. “Just—look over the potion, all right.”

Severus took the papers Remus held out, face impassive once more. He skimmed at first, but gradually his expression became more absorbed, and he backed up slowly to sit on the sofa. “You know what this is?” he asked presently.

“No idea,” Remus replied cheerfully. “But if anyone can brew it, I know you can.”

There was a long silence. Finally Remus looked up, to find Severus staring hard at him. “Why?”

It was a question they seemed to ask each other a lot. Remus said, “Because I trust you.”

An unhappy look crossed Severus’ face. “You shouldn’t.”

“I know. But we already know you’re the spy. It wouldn’t make much sense for you to give You-Know-Who information about us, because you’re the first one people would blame.”

Severus grimaced. “Thank you for a bit of logic. Perhaps there’s hope for Gryffindor House yet.”

Remus glared at him and fished out a cigarette.

“No smoking!” Severus snapped immediately. “Not while I’m brewing.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Remus tucked the unlit fag behind his ear and cocked his head. “Will it work?”

Severus didn’t even take time to think it over. “I can brew it,” he said promptly. “But that isn’t the same thing as will it work.”

Remus frowned, prompting Severus to huff.

“Their methods of testing weren’t in the least methodical, and I have no idea what sort of conditions they used to produce their results. I can make the same potion they made. I believe it is better than wishful thinking to say that this will probably work. But I can’t guarantee it.”

Remus sighed. “Well, it’s still better than what St Mungo’s has come up with, I suppose,” he said.

“Tell me you aren’t talking about Evans,” Severus said. Wasn’t much of a stretch, Remus thought; they only knew two pregnant women, and Remus had never been particularly close with Alice and Frank.

Remus didn’t have to answer. He just looked up to meet Severus’ eyes.

Severus swore. “She’s having complications with her pregnancy,” he said softly. “They’ve defied the Dark Lord thrice, and she’s having problems.” His gaze sharpened. “Does she know you’re talking to me about this?”

Remus shook his head slightly.

“Does Dumbledore know? Wait—don’t tell me that. I don’t need to be tempted.” Severus sighed. “Listen, tell her I need to see her. No. Tell her you want to have lunch with her. I’ll meet you at the pub or wherever, and we can talk it over. She needs to understand the potion, and it’s too complicated for you.”

“You and Lily were in Slughorn’s Advanced Potions together, weren’t you?”

Severus gave him a wry look. ”That doesn’t mean we were ever friends. Just don’t tell her about me until you get to the pub. Have you ever eaten at the Ghostly Galleon?”

Remus grinned. “Once or twice. I could get her there.”

Severus nodded. “Right then. I’ll keep this. I want to go over it before I talk to her about it.”

It sounded like a dismissal. Remus didn’t like that. He peered into the cauldron. “I’ve never seen a potion quite that colour before.”

Severus lifted an eyebrow. “You didn’t take Potions third year? Odd, I would have sworn you were in my double session.”

Remus glared at him. “You try having Sirius as your partner.”

“Oh, I think not,” Severus murmured. “I’d have murdered him on the first day.”

Remus was tempted to laugh, but he wasn’t _entirely_ certain Severus was joking. “Do you need help with anything here?”

Severus actually laughed. “From someone who doesn’t even recognize the potion? No, I do not.”

Remus sighed. “Right. See you tomorrow at lunch, then.” Severus grunted and Remus turned away, disappointed.

A hand gripped his shoulder hard. “So obvious, Lupin.”

Remus caught his breath as Severus spun him around and kissed him hard. “Did you miss me that much?” Severus asked, his voice amused.

“You know I did,” Remus gasped. He clutched at Severus. “Did you miss me at all?”

The expression in Severus’ dark eyes surprised him; if it had been anyone else, Remus would have said he was hurt. “I missed you,” he said.

“Take me to bed,” Remus said. He knew he was begging, but he didn’t really care.

Severus laughed softly and took him to bed.

* * *

“Remus, you know I don’t like the salads here,” Lily complained. “And the prices are ridiculous. Why can’t we just go up to the Leaky Cauldron? It’s so much better.”

“It’s boring,” he said. Merlin, he couldn’t wait until James Junior or Juliet was born. She was much easier to get along with when she wasn’t pregnant. “I found a Sickle I’d put through the wash, so I can afford to splurge on lunch. Now stop complaining or I’ll tell James you’re abusing me.”

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes, but he could see the corners of her mouth quirking up, and he knew he’d won. “Oh, fine. It’s too much trouble to argue with you, anyway. Honestly, I don’t know why some people think you’re a sweet, unassuming, young man.”

Remus snickered and offered her his arm, just to be cheeky. Lily took it because she was starting to waddle.

 

He was impressed that she didn’t stop walking when she realized there was someone already seated at the table Remus had chosen. She did glance at him, a question in her green eyes, but he merely smiled and nodded, and she leaned more heavily against him, but she kept walking.

They sat down, and Lily saw it was Severus, and she still didn’t run screaming. Never mind the fact that she was physically incapable of running, Remus had still half-expected her to try it. They ordered their drinks and then they were left staring at one another.

After about half a minute of silence, Lily said, “I don’t know why I keep expecting Remus to explain this, as he’s obviously sitting there more interested in looking at you than talking to me. Severus, what’s going on?”

Remus was dimly satisfied that Severus’ expression was nearly as astonished as Remus felt. Fortunately he fished some words out of his brain before Severus spoke.

“Lily, I’ve been thinking about what you told me. And doing some research. I…I found a potion. I don’t know if it will help. But Severus says he can make it.”

“You told _him_ about this?” Lily rounded on him. “What were you thinking, Remus! Don’t you know that information like that—“

“Isn’t to be given to someone who might betray you?” Severus snapped.

Lily scowled. “Would you let me finish?” she retorted in tones just as sharp. “I was going to say, information like that is dangerous for _you_.” She looked at Remus again. “I thought you’d be more careful, since it’s Severus.”

Remus blinked. “Does Dumbledore know you’re psychic?” he asked finally. “It would make this war a hell of a lot shorter if you’d tell him that.”

She laughed. “Merlin, sometimes I almost forget you’re a man, because you listen so well. But you really are unobservant and thick-headed sometimes, too.”

“I don’t know whether to be insulted or proud of myself,” Remus said.

“Both,” Severus said dryly. “Insulted because she’s acting superior, and proud because you’ve annoyed her.”

Remus grinned at him, and to his surprise, Severus gave him back an expression that was almost a return grin. Lily laughed.

“So you have a potion,” she said, and leaned forward. “Tell me about it.”

Remus didn’t bother listening while Severus explained it. He hadn’t understood half of the article, and listening to one Potions expert explain it to another certainly wasn’t going to help his comprehension. He ate when their food arrived, watching Severus’ face as he warmed up to his subject. Remus enjoyed the irritation and then thoughtfulness that crossed his face when Lily argued with him. He found himself smiling, and at one point Severus (who was crossly insisting something about “anti-coagulant properties of the essence of murtlap” being at cross purposes with something or other) glanced at Remus and gave him a half-smile of acknowledgement. Lily kicked Remus under the table.

Finally it was settled that Severus would brew the potion for Lily in a week, barring anything unfortunate happening between times. Lily would be there to consult, and Remus would be there to assist him, because Lily wasn’t allowed to touch anything. Remus bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning; he didn’t care _why_ he was assisting, he was just glad he would be.

Lily kicked him again. “I’m going to use the loo before we leave. Juliet insists on playing football with my bladder.” She stood up and waddled off.

Severus slid his hand across the table and gripped Remus’. “Did you tell her?”

Remus stared. “Of course not! I didn’t know if it was my business to tell anyone. Besides, you know Lily. She’s bright. She always did notice things.” He twisted his hand slightly so he could grip back, and tried not to find it absurd that he was holding hands with Severus in the back of a pub.

Severus was frowning. “You never planned to tell your mates, did you?” he asked slowly.

“Well…no, but not—not maybe for the reason you think,” Remus said. “The thing is, they don’t know I fancy men.”

Severus’ gaze was flat. “You’re queer, Remus. Queer as I am. Might as well call it what it is.”

“Yes, well.” Remus cleared his throat. “These are the blokes who think being a werewolf means I have a ‘furry little problem’.”

Severus snickered. “In possession of a badly behaved rabbit, are you?”

Remus grinned, and Merlin, it felt so warm, so right, to be here like this. “Listen—I’ll tell them, yeah? If you want me to tell them, I’ll do. Tell them I’m queer, tell them it’s you, all of it.”

Severus’ gaze dropped to the tabletop, and Remus wished more than ever that he knew what the other man was thinking. But one graceful thumb was running along the back of Remus’ hand, so he didn’t suppose it was all bad. “Is it me?” Severus asked finally. His voice was very low.

Remus swallowed. “It’s been you for years,” he said honestly.

“Never did anything about it.”

“I was a coward. Still am, really. I don’t deserve you.”

Severus looked up. “No, you don’t. But I suppose we’re fortunate, because I don’t really deserve you, either.” There was a pause. “I’ve killed people, Lupin. Never actually used my wand or my hands on them, but—I brew potions for the Dark Lord. They’re not innocent little cheering draughts. I know what he does with them. I suppose if you can overlook that, I can overlook what happened at school.”

Remus wasn’t surprised; he hadn’t killed anyone, but Aberforth and Moody had made it perfectly clear that he had better be _prepared_ to kill someone, if he wanted to be in the Order. It was a war, wasn’t it? War meant killing. He squeezed Severus’ hand and lifted his gaze.

“I want it to be you,” he said softly.

Severus gave him a rare smile. “I do, too.”

* * *

“What is this appalling noise?” Severus asked, scowling at Remus.

Remus grinned. “U2.”

Severus shifted and shoved Remus’ hand away from his knee. “Me too what?”

“That’s the name of the band. Here, wait, you’ll like this song.” Remus leaned across Severus’ lap to fiddle with the contraption, which Severus recognized as a record player but was completely unwilling to acknowledge. The needle gave a horrific ripping noise, Remus swore, and then the music resolved into a low, repeating bass note and seemingly random electric guitar notes. Then, to Severus’ mingled amusement and horror, Remus leaned back and sang along. Merlin, the werewolf was _tone-deaf_!

“Into the heart...of a child, I stay awhile...oh, I can go back, Into the heart...of a child, I can smile, I can go there…” Remus filled his glass again (Severus hadn’t told him his version of Snakebite involved real snake venom, but that sort of thing wasn’t going to be dangerous for a werewolf, anyway) and leaned back. The lyrics started a strange ache in Severus’ stomach and he resisted the urge to cover his left forearm.

“S’wrong?” Remus asked, tilting his head to peer up at Severus. He’d claimed werewolves took a lot of alcohol to get drunk, but Severus had expected Snakebite and black (cider and lager mixed, with blackcurrant and Ashwinder venom added) to do the trick. Severus was certainly feeling looser than he had in years.

“You’re wretched at that,” he snorted. Remus poked him, and he snickered.

“Shut it, you!” The next song came on, a driving bass-and-drum number, and Severus discovered he could appreciate Muggle music all right. He shoved Remus off his lap as the werewolf began to move in time with the music. “Dance with me!” Remus invited, pulling Severus to his feet and bobbing his head.

“You dance as badly as you sing,” Severus observed, but he obliged, thinking that if Remus remembered this later and even so much as brought it up, he would hex his bollocks off. For an hour or two, anyway.

“You’re sexy. You know this, right?” Remus breathed in his face, grinning.

“Of course I do,” Severus replied, gripping Remus’ hips and grinding against him. “You’ve told me a dozen times today.”

Remus swayed against him. “Mmm. You’re going to take me to bed, right?”

Severus had smiled more often in the past two weeks than in the entire two years since leaving school. Why hadn’t he ever tried to get Remus into bed while they were at Hogwarts? This was brilliant. And being lo—being with someone had given the werewolf the courage he’d always lacked. He’d let Lily know, and he’d promised to tell the others. Severus didn’t have any illusions as to how they would react, but at least Remus didn’t, either, and he was determined to see it done.

“Not taking you to bed,” Severus breathed, curling an arm tightly around Remus’ waist. “Taking you _here_.” Remus’ eyes widened for a moment, then he smiled and allowed Severus to lower him to the floor. “You’re beautiful,” Severus whispered, his mouth hovering and dipping, tasting Remus’ earlobe, his throat, his collarbone. It was more intoxicating than the Snakebite, and Severus knew he was drowning.

He’d said he was the one in control, but he was only in control for as long as Remus _believed_ he was in control. The moment Remus realized Severus had fallen ass over teakettle for him, Severus was going to be in trouble.

“Mmm…Severus…” Remus wound his arms around him and kissed him deeply, and Severus felt the tight curl of fear in his chest unwind just a little.

* * *

The stunned silence was over, the shouting was past. Sirius was slumped on the sofa as far from Remus as he could get. James was sitting in his chair, one arm curled around Lily’s waist (Lily was perched on the arm, looking oddly fragile). Peter was on the floor and looked completely gobsmacked.

James finally lifted his head out of his hand and sighed. “Listen, mate, not that we don’t believe you, but…are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”

“Why would anyone have _Snape_ as a phase?” Sirius demanded, his lips twisting in a sneer.

“Why would anyone have _men_ as a phase?” Peter added, and Sirius kicked him.

Remus glared at them. “Look, I didn’t come here to ask your permission. I came here to tell you I’m with Severus. I like him. And I don’t want any of you giving him any trouble over it.”

Sirius uttered a growl and looked away. “You’ve changed a lot in the past three weeks, mate. Maybe you’re not on our side anymore.”

“Sirius!” Lily gasped as she and James turned to glare at him.

Peter narrowly missed being bowled over as Remus launched himself at Sirius. Sirius yelped and shoved at him, then managed to get his knee in Remus’ gut. “Geroff!” he snarled, and Remus gripped his shoulders and thumped him hard against the back of the sofa. They scuffled for several minutes before James and Peter managed to pull Remus off of Sirius. Remus snuffled, tasting blood in the back of his throat, and glared at Sirius. Sirius wiped his bloody lip and glared back.

“This is _stupid!_ ” Lily said, her voice sounding tearful. “Stop it at once!”

Remus sighed and the fight went out of him. Peter and James let go of him and backed away. “I would no more betray you than I would cut off my own hand,” he said quietly. “And I have faith in Severus. I know you don’t, but he’s got more to lose than any of us—You-Know-Who would kill him if he found out he was a traitor.” He closed his eyes. He was so tired. So tired of fighting. So tired of the constant struggle to be believed, to be accepted, to be loved. And now he finally thought he had all of that, the Order, the Marauders, Severus, and he couldn’t stand to lose any of it.

_Love. Can it possibly be love after three weeks?_ But he thought it could. He thought it was. He would rather die himself than let Severus be found out at the spy.

“I would die,” he said, looking only at Sirius. “I would die rather than betray James and Lily. You have my oath on that.”

“And you would kill Snape if he betrayed them.” Sirius’ voice was hard.

Remus flinched, but he nodded. “And I would kill _anyone_ who betrayed them,” he whispered hoarsely.

Beside them Peter shifted, but Sirius nodded. “Fine. I’m satisfied. And if the two of you betray them together, I’ll kill you both. But if you’re as good as your word, Moony, then we’re golden.”

Golden. Except Remus had to live with the knowledge that Sirius didn’t trust him, that Sirius was watching him, that he was once again on the outside.

* * *

“Bloody werewolf,” Severus snapped. “The murtlap and _then_ the shrivelfigs!” Remus shot him an apologetic look and stayed his hand.

“Lay off, Snape,” Lily objected. She was lying on the sofa, well away from the fumes, unable to see what was going on, but kept informed by Severus’ running commentary. The logistics of it made sense to Remus (‘Now we’re adding the murtlap and stirring it three times widdershins’) but his understanding of the theory (‘and hopefully that’ll counteract the fact that you’re allergic to chamomile, though we can always try a substitute if it doesn’t work’) was more sketchy.

Remus did his best to hide a smirk as Severus glared. “If this isn’t brewed properly, your complications could grow worse than they already are! Your _husband_ isn’t exactly helping matters,” Severus growled. “Do you want to lose the baby?” He turned his glare at the cauldron. “I suppose that’s _one_ way to thwart the prophecy and keep them safe, though it mostly likely isn’t one any of us would prefer.”

Lily smoothed a hand protectively over her stomach and glared.

Remus sighed and pressed a finger against Severus’ lips. “Don’t talk, Severus,” he admonished, though if he were honest with himself, the fact that Severus was never afraid to say nasty things just made Remus want to snog him breathless. “Look, you caught me in time, I put the murtlap in first. I think it’s all right.”

Severus snorted, but looked down. Apparently the potion’s cerulean blue colour was satisfactory. Severus turned his glare on Remus, but Remus had discovered in the past month that Severus’ glares weren’t nearly as frightening as they used to be. Remus smiled sweetly at him and leaned over the cauldron to give him a heated kiss.

“God! Stop that, or you’ll muck up the potion by slobbering in it,” Severus gasped as he pushed Remus away, but he was breathless, and Remus just gave him a mischievous look. From the sofa, Lily applauded.

“If I’d known that was the best way to shut you up, Severus, I’d have—“

“Do not say you would have assaulted me, or I _will_ hex you,” he warned, not looking at her.

“—Set Remus at you years ago. Might’ve brought him to Advanced Potions just to keep you from criticizing my work all the time.”

“He’d have failed miserably. Troll work, definitely.” Severus’ tone, though, was affectionate, and Remus couldn’t suppress the thrill that sent through him. God, he loved Severus. He didn’t care if it ended up costing him the world, he loved him and he always would.

“Right. Now we let it simmer for two hours, and then it’s ready.” Severus glanced at Lily. “Don’t suppose you’d let us sneak off for a quick shag.”

Lily laughed out loud, and Remus, though he could feel himself blushing appallingly, was pleased at the expression on Severus’ face. “No, I will not. Though I would absolutely love another display of your marvellous snogging techniques, now that you’re not in danger of slobbering into my potion.”

Remus turned his embarrassed stare on her, gratified that Severus was similarly astonished.

Lily laughed again. “Oh, come help me over to the table. We’ll play poker until the potion’s ready. I’d say strip poker, but only if you agree that pregnant women are exempt.”

Severus snorted. “You ought to exempt all of us. Lupin and I like being naked together, but it isn’t to _look_.”

Oh, God, Remus was going to die of embarrassment. That was it. At least James and Sirius and Peter had all conveniently found things to do that included not being at home. “I like looking at you,” he said quietly to Severus.

Severus turned a politely disbelieving look on him that slowly faded when he took in Remus’ obvious sincerity. “Why on Earth would you like looking at _me_?”

“Because you’re you,” Remus said, and he smiled at Severus, completely ignoring Lily’s avid interest.

“God, Lupin, you’re—you’re so—“ Severus leaned in and kissed him hard, lips and tongue and teeth and one arm snaking around him to hold him closer. “I hate you sometimes.”

“Because you can’t help but love me,” Remus said, smugly. He didn’t mean it, of course; he knew Severus didn’t love him, but it was only a bit of cheek, anyway. He was surprised at the way Severus went still. “Severus?” Nothing. Remus jostled him and Severus’ arms tightened around him. “Severus, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—“

Lily could still move quietly when she wanted. She reached out and touched Remus’ shoulder, but just then a thin, strong hand covered Remus’ mouth. Severus drew a deep breath and then let it out, relaxing against him. “Don’t talk, Remus.”

Remus smiled.


End file.
